Happiness...in a jar...on a shelf
...too high for me to reach.
I was asked by someone the other day what my "passions" were. What makes me tick...what do I love to do...what brings me complete joy...? I'm sad (very sad) to say that my jaw hung open and I could not answer her. I had no "quick" answer...no "Sunday school" answer...no "being in love" answer...I HAD NOTHING!
About 4 years ago, my answer would have been something like this:
"Oh, lets see...I love love LOVE being outside...I love leading the ropes course and seeing people stretch out of their comfort zone. Also...I'm falling for a guy named Justin...he was my "high school sweetheart" and he's just SO wonderful. And...ok...Um, I just graduated college and am SO excited to start my career with Arvest. Um...I think I'm going to start getting into photography. My Dad just gave me his old camera and I really want to learn how to use it properly. Also, I'm singing in the Tulsa Oratorio Chorus and am one of the featured Sopranos for Arias and Airs. And finally...I just LOVE THE LORD!"
Today:
I don't really like the idea of being outside for longer than I have to. I'm still very much in Love with Justin...but the reality of Marriage and how hard it is, is starting to sink in. My career at Arvest has come to a close and I now work for a place that isn't NEARLY as fun...and I cry alot because of it. I never did really get into photography...but I think that if I could...this could REALLY be an "artsy outlet" for me. I only sing at church now, and have not sung anything within the classical range in over 2 years. My degree in Vocal Music performance is starting to go to a waist... THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART!...because that is where my true true true gift of my vocal talent is. I looked into doing a community choir with the University of Arkansas, but their were WAY too many scheduling conflicts. And finally...yes, I still LOVE THE LORD, but sometimes feel like a mediocre Christian.
What happened to ME? Where did Shelli go? What happened to the girl that was quick to jump in a car and take a random road trip? What happened to the girl that was so spastic that she needed to take an afternoon nap to calm down? What happened to the girlfriend of Justin that used to do "free style walking" and go to see cool bands with her boyfriend? What happened to the lady that gave private voice lessons and was an "up and coming" voice in Tulsa? (according to the "Tulsa World" paper) What happened to my waiste??? WHERE THE HECK IS THAT? Huh...? When did I stop being the one that initiated the fun and started being the one that was "debbie downer"?
THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK DANG IT!!!!
...too high for me to reach.
I was asked by someone the other day what my "passions" were. What makes me tick...what do I love to do...what brings me complete joy...? I'm sad (very sad) to say that my jaw hung open and I could not answer her. I had no "quick" answer...no "Sunday school" answer...no "being in love" answer...I HAD NOTHING!
About 4 years ago, my answer would have been something like this:
"Oh, lets see...I love love LOVE being outside...I love leading the ropes course and seeing people stretch out of their comfort zone. Also...I'm falling for a guy named Justin...he was my "high school sweetheart" and he's just SO wonderful. And...ok...Um, I just graduated college and am SO excited to start my career with Arvest. Um...I think I'm going to start getting into photography. My Dad just gave me his old camera and I really want to learn how to use it properly. Also, I'm singing in the Tulsa Oratorio Chorus and am one of the featured Sopranos for Arias and Airs. And finally...I just LOVE THE LORD!"
Today:
I don't really like the idea of being outside for longer than I have to. I'm still very much in Love with Justin...but the reality of Marriage and how hard it is, is starting to sink in. My career at Arvest has come to a close and I now work for a place that isn't NEARLY as fun...and I cry alot because of it. I never did really get into photography...but I think that if I could...this could REALLY be an "artsy outlet" for me. I only sing at church now, and have not sung anything within the classical range in over 2 years. My degree in Vocal Music performance is starting to go to a waist... THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART!...because that is where my true true true gift of my vocal talent is. I looked into doing a community choir with the University of Arkansas, but their were WAY too many scheduling conflicts. And finally...yes, I still LOVE THE LORD, but sometimes feel like a mediocre Christian.
What happened to ME? Where did Shelli go? What happened to the girl that was quick to jump in a car and take a random road trip? What happened to the girl that was so spastic that she needed to take an afternoon nap to calm down? What happened to the girlfriend of Justin that used to do "free style walking" and go to see cool bands with her boyfriend? What happened to the lady that gave private voice lessons and was an "up and coming" voice in Tulsa? (according to the "Tulsa World" paper) What happened to my waiste??? WHERE THE HECK IS THAT? Huh...? When did I stop being the one that initiated the fun and started being the one that was "debbie downer"?
THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK DANG IT!!!!
posted by Shelli at
9:33 AM
2 Comments:
personally, i don't think you're a "debbie downer". i think you're tons of fun to be around. you're so expressive and have a great sense of humor.
but i TOTALLY understand where you are coming from, because i battle the same questions.
oh, dear, you got comment-spammed.
okay, first of all, you are NOT debbie downer. you are super-fun. if you're anything like me, though, you're a girl who's super-fun, but also exhausted all the time from work and all life's "stuff", and it's hard to find the time and/or energy to do the fun things.
for instance, i love scrapbooking. i, however, cannot currently find time to print and add the photos to my PRE-DECORATED wedding scrapbook. how sad is that?
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